Where is the baby? When are you due? Is this child your only one?

The most difficult part of our loss was getting back into the routine of life. For me, getting back to a routine meant facing the fact that Everly Eden was gone. I had to come to terms with the fact that I would never see her smile, hear her talk, or watch her grow. Our inner circle knew what had happened and was sensitive to bringing up our loss. However, there were plenty of people whom we didn’t see regularly who knew we were pregnant but didn’t know that we had lost our beautiful daughter. You can read about our loss of Everly Eden here.

It took us two days to decide what to do with Everly’s body. After much thought, we decided to have her cremated so that down the road if we decided to bury her we would have more time to think about where we wanted to do that. After leaving the funeral home, we stopped to buy an urn at a local shop. As we were checking out the woman at the register asked me when I was due. My husband froze. Thankfully, I handled this question with grace and simply replied, “We actually just had a little one.” She could tell that something wasn’t quite right but thankfully she dropped the subject and we hurried out of the store. Let us be honest. For most of us, our pregnant bellies do not recede in two days. God, I wish it did!

About two weeks later after our loss, we decided to go back to church. We ran into a couple whom we see from time to time. They are such a nice couple and Rob and I enjoy catching up with them as we see them. We had just run into them at the local mall a couple of weeks earlier. Her and I reflected on the days with a newborn and joked about how I was going to manage a toddler and a newborn. As soon as she saw me, she said with excitement, “Did you have the baby?” My eyes filled with tears and I had to tell her that we had lost our beautiful daughter. You could tell she felt horrible having asked. It was an impossible situation to avoid…awkward for her and heart wrenching for me.

A month or so later, we ran into another couple at church we speak to occasionally. My husband and his mother were conversing with someone visiting the church. I saw the couple and she began to walk toward me. I stepped to the side and she said, “Oh, look at you! Where is the baby?” With tears flowing, I again had to explain that we lost our beautiful daughter. To make matters worse, her husband then walked over and asked the same question! Oh boy, that was a tough day!!

A couple of weeks before I gave birth to Everly we had moved in to a rental house that was just down the street from the house we were building. Our condo sold quicker than we were expecting. Thankfully there was a house in our new neighborhood not yet on the market that we could temporarily use. Once we moved in, Charis and I went for short walks a couple of times a day. Apparently, the neighbors saw us walking and noticed that I was pregnant. After we lost Everly, Rob was speaking to a neighbor and the wife said, “I saw your pregnant wife walking. When is she due?” A few weeks later, I stopped to drop off mail to another neighbor. She looked down at my belly and said, “When are you due?” I explained. She apologized. Awkward.

The questions never stop it seems. It has been almost four months. You would think that I had run into all acquaintances at this point. Unfortunately, today at a birthday party I was asked when I was due. The girl was the niece of one of my good friends and I guess she hadn’t heard the news that we lost our baby. My friend was there at the time and she hushed her so her niece said, “I’m so sorry.” I of course said no big deal and tried not to let it weigh on my mind for the rest of the party. Unfortunately, it did. And tonight, I am feeling heartbroken. Such an innocent question caused so much turmoil. I wasn’t uncomfortable but I felt like there was an elephant in the room since I didn’t address what had happened.

“When are you due” and “where is the baby” are the hardest questions for me. First off, it is difficult to respond without it being awkward and it is difficult for me to stop it from affecting my whole day. These questions remind me that I am a postpartum mommy with empty arms…and I don’t need any other reminders. My husband; however, has the hardest time when people ask how many children we have or when they see Charis and ask if she is our only child. I would like to say that we are comfortable enough to say she is our only one on Earth but we have two in heaven. This is a conversation my husband and I have regularly. We wish the world were more accepting of that type of answer. On the other hand, perhaps we should be bold enough to give that answer no matter how uncomfortable it might be for the other person.

When does this get better? Going through this kind of loss is a roller coaster of emotions. One day I could talk about Everly Eden with a big smile on my face knowing that she is having the best time in heaven. The next day, I am emotionally drained and wanting to cry at the drop of a hat! Most of the time I hold these emotions in because I don’t want my emotions to affect our little girl, Charis. She is top priority because she is here and 100% dependent on us. I sincerely hope and pray that as our hearts heal from our loss that these questions get easier to answer. I want to talk about Everly Eden with peace and joy every day!

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