Tag: blessed with family

Honoring the Memory of our Everly Eden

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A little over two weeks ago, I asked a small group of family and friends to gather to honor the memory of our Everly Eden. That day, October 15th is considered Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. All over the world candles are lit at 7 pm to honor all the angel babies. When these candles stay lit for at least an hour in each time zone, it creates a wave of light. This year, lighting a candle just did not seem like enough. I wanted to do something that would give a greater memory for us.

That evening everyone gathered at 6:30 pm. My plan was to read a brief story about our journey, light Everly’s candle, and then have everyone release lighted sky lanterns. I am not one to enjoy standing in front of a group of people and talk about anything…let alone read something I had written about our emotional journey. My stomach was in knots but I knew that reading my story would help me with the healing process.

In Memory of Everly Eden

I began to read. I began to cry. Tears of sorrow and tears of joy. I would like to share with you what I read that evening:

 

Five and a half months ago, I went into labor with our second child. Upon arriving at the hospital, we learned that our daughter, Everly Eden had no heartbeat. Thank you all for joining us tonight to remember Everly and recognize Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Most of you probably do not realize how often this kind of loss occurs. Surprisingly, losses happen to 1 in 4 women. However, tonight instead of focusing on our heartbreaking loss we want to focus on the goodness of God. Walking through this valley has no doubt brought us closer to the Lord. A few verses I would like to share with you have brought us comfort.

 

Psalm 18:2:

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

– At Topsail Beach last year I gathered beautiful rocks along the beach. At that moment, I had no idea I was pregnant and we definitely had no idea what devastating turn our life would take 9 months later. These rocks are now a symbol to remind me that God is my rock. The one in whom I find comfort. If you are in need of God’s comfort please take a rock. Place it somewhere so that you are reminded of God’s power and grace. (These love rocks are inspired by a story of a mom who lost her two daughters when they were tragically hit by a car in front of their home. You can read more about their story here: http://love-drenched-life.com/love-rocks/)

Love Rocks in Memory

 

Romans 8:28:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those called to His purpose.

– God does not promise that a Christian life will be easy. In fact, the Bible states that the evil one comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Your trials and tribulations will bring you closer to God if you let them. We are all called to share our testimony to shine a light on God’s goodness.

 

Matthew 5:16:

Let your light shine before others so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

– Tonight we light this special candle not only to remember our daughter but to bring God the glory for the light that shines within us. I pray that our story will touch your heart and inspire you to seek God’s comfort in your trials and tribulations.

 

Dear Heavenly Father,
Remind us that you are our rock and that through the trials and tribulations this broken world brings into our lives we can find comfort in only You. And, through You, we find the strength to shine bright for Your glory.
In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Lighted Lantern Release

Sky Lantern Release

  • Thank you to my family and friends for taking pictures to help keep this memory!

The Pressures of Life

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Stop Falling to the Pressures of Life.

Why is life filled with pressures to conform to a specific time frame of getting married or starting a family? Questions like “When are you guys going to get married?” or “When are you going to have a baby?” put unwanted pressure on couples. In my opinion, these life questions are personal and not any of your business. Frankly, you may not realize the pressure or even turmoil caused by asking these innocent questions.

When Rob and I were dating, we used to get the dreaded question of when we were going to get married. We used to laugh about this question and the pressure. We even vowed never to ask this question to a dating couple! We loved one another but we considered the decision to get married a big decision. It is a BIG decision that should not be made lightly. Maybe that is why the divorce rate is so high in our society. The pressure of getting married may cause some couples to make that commitment prematurely. Let’s be honest…marriage is HARD. It is not a fairy tale…I wish it was! Heck, I wish relationships were exactly like all the romantic comedy movies I like to watch! Reality is that living with someone else with a different background and habits is tough. Making decisions together is sometimes tough when opinions differ. Marriage is a work in progress and two people choosing to get married just because they have dated for X number of years seems foolish to me. Have you ever thought that the couple may talk about marriage but perhaps they do not have the money to have the wedding they want? Maybe he is saving to buy a ring and he feels like he is under pressure to propose within a certain period. Your opinion of when a couple should marry is just that…YOUR opinion.

Once a couple marries the next question you get from friends, family, and even strangers is, “When are you going to have a baby?” There is pressure from parents. They say sneaky things like “We are ready to be grandparents”. UGH! Have you ever thought that the couple could be struggling to get pregnant? Maybe they have suffered from a miscarriage. By asking them, you are reminding them of the insecurity they feel around getting pregnant. Infertility affects many couples. One in four women has a miscarriage. Stillbirth affects 1 in 160 pregnancies. I have had a miscarriage and a stillbirth! Think before you ask. On the other hand, maybe the couple is not ready to become parents. For those couples who want to wait a few years why is society pressuring them to have a baby? If you are a parent, do you not remember the complete shift your life makes after having a baby? It is a HUGE transition and I believe that most of us would agree that some couples become parents before they realize what they are getting into. I mean I wanted a baby, but I sure did not realize how life changes after having a baby. A baby is a blessing but a baby also calls for some hard work and dedication.

The dreaded question for us now is “when are you having another child?” or “are you going to have another?” Have you ever thought that maybe the family you are asking is just fine with one child? Maybe they have their hands full with one. Maybe they cannot afford another. Or maybe they are having trouble getting pregnant with another. Honestly, for us I do not know the answer to that question. It has only been 4 ½ months since we lost Everly Eden. Every time this question comes up, I have flashbacks to losing her. The shock. The disappointment. The feeling of loss. The feeling of empty arms. Thoughts start to float around my mind of whether I am ready for pregnancy again (it is a big commitment, you know). I start to think about the possible outcomes. What if we have another miscarriage or what if our baby is full term and we end up leaving the hospital again with empty arms. What if we have another bundle of joy and it is difficult to handle a toddler and a newborn! Let’s just say, when we decide to have another child we will not be considering anyone else’s opinion. I say that with love! Honestly, that decision is between Rob, me…, and God!

Therefore, I ask why society has become so fixated on marriage and having kids in a specified time frame? Just because you decided to get married at X age does not mean that is the right thing for everyone. And just because you decided to have children X number of year(s) after getting married, does not mean that everyone else should follow your timeline. When will people relax and let things happen, as people are ready? Why put unnecessary pressure on anyone to make these kinds of life-changing decisions? Perhaps if outsiders spent less time focused on a time frame for couples in their sphere of influence, divorce rates and the number of ill-prepared parents would decrease.

And for those that feel the pressures of life… Stop letting other people’s opinions affect your feelings. If you feel you are not ready for marriage or a baby then WAIT! No one knows better than you. If the decision seems unsettling then it probably is not the right timing. Pray about it. And when you are ready, you will make the right decision for YOU!

Photo credit: Ashley Botkin Photography

Thanks for reading! Leave your comments below. No pressure. Ha!

A New Life Lost

A New Life Lost

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The Pain of Losing a Baby

Pregnancy and birth are supposed to be an exciting time. It is a celebration of a new life. Instead, I found myself facing the unthinkable…a new life lost. I was now having to make funeral arrangements for my stillborn daughter. Never did I think that at 32 years old I would lose a baby. I guess no parent imagines that until it happens.

 

Everly Eden would have been four months today. I wonder what milestones she would be perfecting. Perhaps she would be sitting up, maybe her first tooth would shine through, or maybe she would grab toys out of my hand when handed to her. I guess she is perfecting these in heaven. I bet she would be mesmerized by her big sister and learning a lot from just watching her. So many milestones we are missing going through this life without her. With each passing day, the memory of her fades and the pain remains. I miss the weight of her in my arms. My heart desires to cuddle up with her and kiss her little cheeks. I would give anything to see her smile and hear her laugh. Just once.

 

The loss of Everly makes me hold Charis a little tighter. I am so thankful to have her. She brings much joy to our lives. She keeps us going. We have created a special place in our yard to remind us of Everly…as if we need a reminder.  Just the other day while we were outside, Charis walked over to Everly’s tree and said hello. It was such a sweet moment. It hurts to know that she will never get to hold Everly’s hand or try to give sisterly advice, as she gets older.

 

Life is moving on. Family and friends are getting pregnant and babies are being born. The reality is this family longs for one moment with Everly. Tears keep flowing. Our world stands still. The emptiness in our hearts from the loss of our baby girl remains. Our family has a missing link. When will the pain of losing her fade? I am happy for the families growing around us but my heart aches to hold our baby girl. It hurts to see a baby around her same age. When I see other kids around 18 months apart, my heart aches. How could such an exciting time centered on the upcoming arrival of a new life become the most devastating time in our lives? Many questions linger about the maybes and the what ifs. So many questions left unanswered. Unfortunately, none of these questions bring peace in our hearts.

 

Lord, comfort me as I miss Everly a little more today. I want to be strong and courageous and know that you are with us to shoulder our pain. I know that you have an extraordinary plan for us. I trust in you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.